Letter to a Friend

Hi Friend,

Sorry for the delay in correspondence. We took the kids to New Orleans over break and I was very much looking forward to telling you all about it. However, things have taken a bit of a turn since we got home and other topics seem to be a bit more pressing.

I’m sure it’s no surprise that I’ve been feeling more anxious than usual.  As you know I’ve been working really hard lately to keep my anxiety at bay and it was going really well.  I was feeling such a sense of relief at having figured out a way through something that has been a struggle for as long as I can remember.  Which is why, when it descended on me quite ferociously this week I was caught off guard. I’m a little more open with my challenges these days and in sharing my struggle with friends, it was mentioned that you may also be going through this.

While I could never truly know your struggles, how they manifest or the best way to manage them. What I can do is share what I have learned for myself.  Maybe some of these will also resonate with you.

Lean into gratitude - There was a moment recently when I was walking toward the living room and because the day was gray and rainy, the lamps on either end table were turned on. This made for such a lovely warm glow and the room looked so pretty. I paused and appreciated the scene then let that feeling cascade to every corner of the house, to my neighbors and then the whole neighborhood.  When we moved into this house almost five years ago we had no idea that we would gain such an amazing network of friends, co-parents and memory makers. I am grateful for my house, for the home we have created and for all those who pass through it. For that moment, on that day, I was lifted above the anxiety and reminded of the power in gratitude.

Warm light on a gray day.

Caffeine -  My morning coffee has been replaced by tea.  I know that tea has caffeine however, it’s easier for me to control the amount of caffeine and keep it well below what I was ingesting in 16 ounces of black coffee. The down side to my newly acquired love of tea is that I now have a wonderful selection of teas on my counter and really need an attractive storage solution. All suggestions (with pictures and links) are appreciated!

The tea situation.

Please send help . . .

Alcohol - I didn’t totally eliminate it. However, I did commit to minimizing my intake in both quantity and frequency. I’m happy to report that this one was surprisingly easy.  As you know, we were never nightly drinkers so limiting it to weekends or social events was not a big lifestyle change. That being said, I feel the need to confess that while in New Orleans, I was happy to embrace they’re love of a Pimm’s Cup. Seeing as it was a vacation with friends, it felt like both a weekend and a special occasion  

Meditation - I’m still a beginner at this one however, my appreciation for it is already immense.  It forces me to stop and breathe. I realize how simplistic that sounds but, it’s a pretty big deal as I often become aware that I am holding my breath and not the least bit metaphorically. It also helps to reign in the many many thoughts and conversations all occurring in rapid fire in my head. I do not yet have any mastery of this practice and the mental chaos doesn’t go away completely. However, for a bit, I can at least corral and minimize that chaos,  giving all my other systems a fighting chance at regulating themselves.  

Exercise - I have both a gym membership and standing walking dates with a friend.  I rarely work out alone as even at the gym I’m with a friend. Which makes this one a double whammy of anxiety reduction because I get the physical benefits of a workout and the emotional benefits of time with my amazing friends and the endless love and support they provide. I realize that because of present circumstances this one will require some tweaking. Thanks to technology and a committed friend, we are going virtual for the foreseeable future. It’s not idea but, we know it’s only temporary.

Talk to friends and other important people- This has been tremendously helpful as it always reminds me that I’m not alone, provides some perspective  and generally just gives me a reservoir of love from which I can draw when needed. When I was in the middle of this most recent event I was telling the husband about it. He very sweetly suggested  that we get my favorite pizza for dinner in an effort to make me feel better. He was trying to fix it. Pizza is never a bad idea and I certainly appreciate the sentiment behind it but, I gently reminded him that it can’t be fixed with pizza nor is it his responsibility to fix it.  I did however require him to hang out in close proximity to me that evening. As you know, he’s not a natural cuddler which makes his compliance in these situations even more appreciated.

 Limit social media -  And all media for that matter. I know that Facebook can be a wonderful way to keep in touch with friends far and wide. However, it can also be a very dangerous place for me if I’m already feeling anxious. Just scrolling past all the mishegas in my feed is tricky. Just because I don’t engage doesn’t mean it wasn’t absorbed. Also, it’s become a bit of a habit to pick up my phone when I get any sort of down time or the tiniest of breaks. To combat this, I have started carrying a book with me so I can read instead.  Podcasts have also really helped me to stay challenged and engaged in a positive way. The only other option would be to totally clean up all my feeds keeping only those people and groups that truly inspire, in an effort to better shield me from the negativity. I honestly don’t have the heart to do that so, limited exposure it will be!

Get outside - In rain or sunshine, there is no substitute for fresh air.  I love to wander in the yard and check on all the stuff we have planted. Everything is starting to bud and get covered in green again and it’s so beautiful and gratifying.  Our little peach tree has more peaches than ever. Too many actually. It’s still a spindly little thing and it’s little branches will never be able to sustain the weight of all the peaches. I haven’t yet had the heart to thin them out.  Also, tiny peaches are so terribly cute!

Baby Peaches

Do I really have to thin them?

Schitt’s Creek - Have you seen it? I can’t get enough of the Rose family and all the other townspeople. The writing is so smart and has so much heart. I’m both enchanted and encouraged by the world Daniel Levy created.  I should admit that, having seen all available episodes I now fast forward to the scenes with David and Patrick. You know I’m a sucker for a happy ending and their love story is as fulfilling as any Austenian relationship.  It makes me all gushy inside and I love to be gushy inside. Especially right now as I’m seizing on any opportunity to feel warm and fuzzy.

That’s all I have for now.  My virtual workout partner has also issued a 1,000 piece puzzle challenge to make our current circumstances a bit more fun.  

Thanks, I’ll definitely need it!

I apologize for such a long missive. Clearly we should connect more often.  I’m always happy to hear from you and hope you know that I’m always thinking of you.  

All my love,

Shelby