Can't Complain

Listen, friends. Please hear me when I say that I am living in privilege. My relationships with friends and family are loving and supportive. There is a roof over my head and food on the table. I acknowledge that these are precious circumstances in which to live. I am grateful for every aspect of every one of these things. I am also acutely aware that this is not everyone’s situation and I have tremendous compassion and empathy for those who are fighting every minute of every day to make any one of these a reality.

Because of this, and a certain measure of guilt, I have found that my default answer when asked how I’m doing is some version of, “I’m good. I have no right to complain”. However, the reality is, even the most La-ti-da among us have the right to complain. The world has turned upside down and we are all trying to adjust! And honestly, saying that I have no right to complain really means I want to complain.  

The thing is, we’ve been in this situation for months and that’s a long time to be suppressing a complainy spirit. I have absolutely been stuck in a loop of wanting to complain, feeling guilty about wanting to complain, then saying, “Can’t complain”.  Enough already!  

In my coaching practice I am constantly asking people to be honest with themselves. Sometimes I ask in very gentle ways and other times I have to call you on your shit. It’s a critical part of the process and absolutely key to moving forward. 

Well, here I am, calling myself on my shit.  

It is not good enough to merely survive when I have the means to thrive. It is not good enough to live in guilt when I should be living in gratitude.  

Neither my husband’s job nor my own have been affected by the current economic situation. We do have 2 school age children. Which means we are working full time, and trying to stay on top of their schedules, requirements, and most importantly, emotional needs, before our own. Easy peasy, right? 

I was recently reminded that at the beginning of every new season there is an adjustment period: beginning of a new school year, start of soccer, whatever it is. I’m always out of sorts for a bit. Then I get my bearings, make a plan and get on with it. I realize that is where I am now. This is no longer a temporary blip, this is how it is going to be for quite some time. I need to get my bearings and get on with it. Handle this shit.

Unlike the start of soccer, this particular season brings with it a strong psycho-emotional component. It’s not simply a matter of shoring up my calendar so that everything fits. If I want to go from surviving to thriving and guilt to gratitude, I need to change my mindset.  

I would like to tell you that because I make my living by helping people change their mindset and achieve their goals, that it is a piece of cake for me. Ha! You know full well this is not the case. We all know how hard it is to take our own advice. Even when we're an expert. Especially when we know we're right.

Here’s the thing. Gratitude is not a new concept. It has been validated by both science and Oprah. In fact, I’m such a believer in the power of gratitude that I devote precious space to it in my planner. 

I use this planner faithfully myself and with my clients, and I will tell you that while all the time management pieces have been filled in daily, the gratitude space has been blank for weeks. Weeks! At this point, the reason it’s been blank is pretty clear. I have not been practicing or living in gratitude.  

The first step is admitting you have a problem, right?

That’s a good start but much work still remains.  It's not enough to simply say, I will be more grateful, no matter how much I mean it. There needs to be a path to get there and a plan to get it done. Insert another of my core beliefs; Putting pen to paper and writing things down gives them greater significance and a more secure place in our mind.  

Because day-by-day, every struggle and challenge and emotion gets written, and reflected upon, and shows me my journey. In black and white, I am grateful, and hopeful, and yes, exhausted by what I do each day. Even now. Especially now.

This week my 10 year old developed a fever. It was definitely a surprise seeing as he has not gone further than the backyard in weeks. Also, he’s a worrier with internet access. You can bet he looked up his symptoms. After separating him from the thermometer and his Chromebook, I placed him in the guest room with the remote control. I left my desk early in the afternoon to go check on him and stayed! We sat on the bed and watched tv for a couple of hours. He was chatty and it was fun?! Because our schedule is typically full of work, school, and sports, we don’t get much opportunity to sit together let alone to binge watch silly shows. It was great! What an amazing opportunity to care for him physically and both of us emotionally.  

That evening when I sat down to write in my gratitude journal, I wasn’t thinking of the stress I felt when he was upstairs not well and I was downstairs frantically trying to get work done. I wasn’t thinking about how stressful it would be to go to the doctor right now. I was thinking of how full my heart was because life slowed down and I chose to slow down with it.  

Isn’t that what is happening right now? We would not have chosen these circumstances but it doesn’t mean there isn’t opportunity in this crisis. For all the anxiety, stress and uncertainty of the current situation, there is space for us to think about what matters, who we are,  who want to be, and what we want to carry with us into the next season.  

This is easier to do and the path will only reveal itself  if we stop complaining. Or, more accurately, stop not complaining while really wanting to complain.  

Are you ready to run your day through a gratitude lens and see what sparkly bits shine through?

As for me, I will continue to create space daily for reflection and acknowledgement of the good. I will populate that line in my planner and hold myself accountable. I will continue to share my resources and be a good neighbor. Every. Single. Day. 

Because complainy only gets handled if it's addressed every single day. And all our days matter.

The planner. Space for everything . . . including gratitude.