More Than Just the First
On January 2, 2018 I lost one of my best people.
It was entirely unexpected and happened both in slow motion and quite suddenly. Now, almost two years later, I started sobbing over the loss.
It was December 6th, and we were the last house on the block to make the outside of our house merry. Which means that even though it was raining, we got the lights up and the candy canes in the ground. Covered in mud and freezing cold, I hopped in a very warm shower. Just before this, as we were hanging the wreath on the door, I had briefly thought of Shalini. It was the wreath. We had purchased that on one of our countless trips to Michaels. With a coupon of course because you never go to Michaels without a coupon! I think the shower provided just the right combination of privacy, a pause in the day, and a sense of relief for having checked that task off our list. In that moment, not only did I revisit the memory of shopping with Shalini, but every memory of every Christmas and every other celebration she was missing.
December 6th is also my oldest son's birthday and it was a big one this year. He turned 13! (I’m still in shock. ) As I tried to adjust to the idea of being a parent to a teenage boy, I know that Shalini would have been there with a card for him and the perfect gift. Never extravagant or showy. Just, perfect. A few years ago she bought him a wallet. Probably not the first thing you think of for a 9 or 10 year old. But, not only is it a cool looking wallet of distressed canvas and velcro, but it gives him a place for his things.
Just, perfect.
He had reached the age where people were not really giving him toys anymore and were instead giving gift cards and cash. I have no idea if she put those two things together or if she just thought it was time for him to have a wallet. Either way it was perfect and is perfect. I wonder what 13 would have brought? I can’t even begin to imagine because I would have never thought of the wallet. Or, the robe she bought my youngest. That’s right, a robe. Which was clear evidence that she understood him better than the rest of us. I don’t think he knew that he wanted a robe. Regardless, it became indispensable and though he outgrew his first robe, it still hangs on the corner of his bed.
As you have surely gathered, Shalini continues to be a strong presence in my life even after having been gone for two years. When you lose someone, a common phrase you will hear is, “The firsts are always hard”. First Christmas, first birthday and such. I know they are trying to provide comfort by saying brace yourself and it’s okay to be sad because it’s generally understood that ‘the firsts’ are difficult.
They’re not wrong.
However, it doesn’t really stop there, does it? We’re on year two and I am crying in the shower. Admittedly and thankfully, it doesn’t happen every day. Regardless, I think it’s important that we keep in mind that it’s not just the firsts. Grief is with you always. Buying that wreath at Michael’s was not a major holiday. It was one of innumerable trips we made on innumerable days. (Often because I never buy enough ribbon and Shalini was endlessly tolerant of crafting emergencies.) Moreover, it wasn’t just shopping trips. She was embedded in my life. I see her in my house, my kids, my closet. Everywhere.
It’s not just that I needed to get past the first Easter or the first Christmas. It was every day and every event leading up to those things.
Christmas is quickly approaching and Shalini would be here making sure the boys decorated a gingerbread house. I bought one last year and could never make it happen. We also have a tradition of baking cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve. I always made enough so that Shalini could decorate her plate of cookies. She was at the table, elbow deep in sprinkles, trading frosting colors along with all the kids. Festive was her forte!
This post would be far too long if I elaborated on all the times and all the ways each day that Shalini is brought to mind. What I do want to elaborate on is how my grief has evolved. As is evidenced by the shower incident, it’s clear that I am still grieving and I’m okay with that. I refuse to put a deadline on that emotion. However, I’ve noticed that the grief is starting to manifest itself differently. What was initially debilitating has become at times comforting. The hurt is still present but it now co-exists with a warmth attached to the memories. With that warmth comes a desire and the ability to take over gingerbread house duty and to join in on the cookie decorating. Let’s hope I can also muster up the patience of Shalini, in the process.
I sincerely wish all of you a festive and fun holiday season full of warm memories. Cheers to all that we have accomplished this year and cheers to all that is to come!
One of my favorite pics from Christmas Eve Santa Cookie decorating in 2016
This year’s gingerbread houses.
I didn’t even use the hot glue gun . . . but, it did cross my mind.