I Quit!

I did something scary back in June of last year. I haven’t mentioned it to you because I was waiting to have some big profound learning come out of it - a happy ending of sorts. Well, I’m not unhappy, but I have come to accept that there will be no ENDING. No tidy wrapping up of my fears in a cute box and setting it on the shelf. (POV: clapping my hands together in a ‘done and dusted’ motion and walking away with a self righteous swagger because I am THAT good.)

Sounds lovely but that is not how it went down. In fact - it’s still going...

I did something scary back in June and everyday I’m learning to lean into the scary and accept that the fear may not ever go away.  I want to share with you why that’s a good thing.

For years I have been working for a company providing job search coaching and relocation assistance. I joined this company just weeks after getting married and had both my babies while working for them. We bought our first house, and then our second. I’ve always been remote and it allowed me the flexibility I wanted. I could attend school performances or pick up sick kids without feeling guilty. I was already in my 30’s when I started working for them, though it feels like I grew up there. The problem was, I didn’t love the work. I like to coach. Whether you’ve been a client or just a friend, you know this about me. I can’t help myself. Unfortunately, what I was doing for them was often more consulting than coaching. But it was the devil I knew and I felt very secure. I also felt a strong sense of allegiance for all the major life moments they rode out with me. But, is that a reason to stay?

Meanwhile, in the background some things had changed. Six years ago I opened my own practice so I could focus on coaching and having more control over the type of clients I worked with. I got my website up and running and even brought my dream of a daily planner to market.  Somewhere in there I dipped my toe into the scary pond and went part time with my employer. Still not willing to cut ties entirely, I kept them around like a worn out security blanket.  

The next significant event was that I started taking clients from a coaching organization who were more closely aligned with my passion and goals. Everyday I was being challenged in the best possible ways. I could feel the discomfort that comes from growth and I loved it.  

The irony of coaching people through scary decisions when not being willing to do that myself, was not lost on me. I often talk to my clients using relationships as a metaphor for their job. (Interviews are the dates - think about it. The metaphor holds.) It resonates because most of us have been in good, bad, and meh relationships.  

This job was solidly in the meh. The easy choice was to stay in the relationship even though there was no passion and it was not building towards anything. I wasn’t being challenged. I wasn't growing anymore. But, I knew I had a date on Friday night! It was nothing if not predictable. Just, meh. 

I knew better than to settle for meh. We know better than to settle for meh! 

But. 

I was scared. Scared of having that security blanket taken away. Scared that I wouldn’t make enough money. Scared that I would suddenly have no clients. 

Scared that I would fail.  

As the motivational poster says, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. I finally got to the place where all of my excuses for staying with the company sounded ridiculous even to me. I finally had a come to Jesus meeting with myself and got serious about creating an exit strategy.  

I talked to my husband. I talked to my friends. I talked to my colleagues. They all said what I knew: I should have left a long time ago.  With everyone’s support and understanding behind me, I gave notice and it felt AMAZING.  

Until it didn’t.  

As soon as I left, the scaries set in. Truth is, they have yet to leave.  

But, here’s what I have finally accepted. It’s a healthy fear and I need to lean into it. I was initially excited to tell you about this DECISION- all sunshine and roses with no regrets and total fearlessness. 

I will say that the ‘no regrets’ part is 100% true. Through the moments of fear and uncertainty, I do not doubt that I made the right decision. That is what motivates me to keep pushing through the scary bits. The self doubt still swirls and I find myself looking 4 weeks out on my calendar to see if I have enough coaching calls scheduled. That’s the moment I lean into and accept THE FEAR. I can wallow in the worry and start scrambling, maybe even apply for part time jobs that hold little interest and are totally disruptive to my family life but would supplement my income. Or, I can stay the course, focus on my goals and push back on negative self talk.  

This is where mantras come into play. They have become my greatest weapon in the constant battle against my fear. It goes like this; I get scared and find myself counting clients or checking the calendar. I then acknowledge that I’ve gone to the scary place, celebrate and express gratitude for every upcoming appointment I do have and then tell myself, “There’s plenty of work out there and the people I’m supposed to have will always show up.” Rinse and repeat as many times as necessary until the moment passes.

Guess what. So far, they have shown up! I have been consistently busy with coaching clients and had to rework my calendar to open up more slots. I may be the only one surprised by that.  

Guess what else! I’m still scared. This is the first time, since I started working as a teen, that I have not had an employer. For someone with tremendous baggage around money, that’s a big friggin deal. I don’t know from one month to the next how much money I’ll make and that takes some mental and emotional adjustments on my part. I have a mantra for that too! “There’s plenty of money out there.” Because, there is. “Our Universe is abundant, and everything you desire is here, in this moment, waiting for you to shift your perception and your energy and receive it. Money included.” -Jen Sincero

Like I said, there’s plenty of money out there, and plenty of fear, too.

But.

If I’m not at least a little bit scared then I am definitely not pushing myself, and absolutely will not grow. I also would be expecting more of clients than I would of myself. Totally not cool.  

So here I am. Living pretty happily in the scary place. Trying to plant flowers everywhere I see a weed of fear pop up. It’s starting to look pretty nice but, WOW is there a lot of ground to cover. I hope you’ll all stick with me through this growing process. Go ahead, plant some flowers of your own along the way.